Jelani: The Story
by Tales of the Jacket
Summary: Here it is. Everything the world has been waiting for. Action, love, aliens, the Illuminati and... JELANI!
1. The Weeblax

**Here it is guys. The rumored and highly anticipated Jelani fanfiction. It will be a chaptered story and I'll try to keep up with updates as the school year starts.**

Several billion light years away, a fleet of sleek white spacecraft rested in the asteroid belt of a Class A galaxy. What could this fleet of ominous spacecraft be doing at this moment? These were the Weeblax, a highly feared and respected group of alien life for their mastery of space travel, weaponry and a kind of bizarre type of hentai. They floated in between the rocks and one particular ship was quite busy doing what almost any form of life in the galaxy would be doing at that exact moment. Searching the internet of course jeez.

Actually, the one who was searching the internet had to be doing it for his job as he was the ship's Communications Officer... and he was on Instagram not the internet for god's sake. There's a difference. But anyways yes, he was looking into a signal he had caught with the communications radar from a far far away planet in the Milky Way galaxy. As he was scrolling, he suddenly stopped and stared at the screen in a very confusing expression. "What the %$^&ing $ #% am I looking at?" He spoke.

Well, actually he didn't say that. I should probably make it clear that like most forms of life in our galaxy, the Weeblax spoke a different language... one of which cannot actually be produced by the human vocal chords. Our galactic translators are (and should continue to be doing so unless they go on the rumored strike) currently translating the conversations and alot of other plot to this story into basic human English.

Back on track.

I should probably make it clear that another reason the Weeblax are feared is their purging technique of making the universe a more peaceful, intelligent space... by coincidentally eliminating all life they feel do not deserve life. So anyways, coming across this confusing and just plain odd account on the Earth application "Instagram", the Weeblax CO contacted the fleet commander who beamed himself onto the ship to view the issue. "This had better be an important issue," He thought. "I was just on a call with that hot chick from the last Galaxy B pass by."

He strode into the darkened room, looked up into the Communications screen and strode immediately out of the room, back to the transport room and directly to his ship to make the announcement that the planet Earth in Class D galaxy Milky Way was to be eliminated. The fleet of ships prepared and then simultaneously blinked out of the asteroid belt into the Earth's atmosphere. Only god knows what the inhabitants were doing and thinking at this very moment...

 **Really hope you guys like it! Just so you know it's gonna be one of the most illuminati things you've ever read so beware.**


	2. Faygo

**Chapta Two. A little short and poorly written as I did it in the car. Still hope you like it!**

"Look at dis Faygoooooooooo." Jelani said to David.

"That's a whole lot of Faygoooooooo, Jelani." He replied.

Jelani, and the Jelani is Love account owners, David F and Riley J were sitting in the back room of the library. Jelani was peering into the bottle of Faygo, the vision of the room was distorted in the color red to him. "I"m posting that." Riley said, taking a picture on his phone. "Who are you again?" Jelani asked. Riley paused. "I'm Riley Jones, Co-Owner of your fan page."

"Ah, sorry Roland."

"Riley."

Suddenly all of their phone's buzzed. "Whoah! Breaking news!" David said. "The government has made contact with alien life... that is currently in orbit around Earth!" "Are they hostile?" Asked Jelani. "We don't know their motives yet it says" anwsered Riley. "But governments are preparing for a possible attack.

Suddenly, a bright light filled the room and the trio covered their eyes and turned from the light. When the room dulled, five figures, armor clad stood in the room. "Wh-what are you?" Riley stuttered. "There he is," the Captian spoke to his men. "Kill him."

And they all turned their guns on Jelani and shot him!

 **"He'll walk it off."**

 **-Mr. Matune**


	3. Saltine Squad

**Sike. He's Jelani what do you expect?**

"J-Jelani are you okay?" David asked. "Yeah," he said. "I didn't even feel anything what the heck?"

While Jelani checked himself over, the Weeblax examined their guns in confusion. "What the heck went wrong?"

"Is something wrong with my gun?"

"Nope mine did too."

"Did what?"

"Nothing! That's the point!"

They murmured and cast strange glances at Jelani through the visors of their armor. "Maybe the Jelani one is... immune?" The Captain offered. "Let's try it on another one." They all turned their guns on Riley and fired. "ROLAND NOOOOOOO!" Cried Jelani. "MY NAME ISN'T FUCKING, ROLAND." A very fine and slightly annoyed Riley responded. "Hey what the heck is wrong with you guys?!" David yelled to the Weeblax. "Let's get out of here and warn the military!"

The trio sped out of the room and (much to the annoyance of the library supervisors) through the library. They reached the parking lot and Jelani grabbed his bike and sped off with the others. "Where are we going, Jelani?" Riley shouted over the wind. "Well, Roland! We have a bunch of aliens out, probably trying to kill us so we need saftey and some help!"

The sound of Riley screaming could be heard for miles as they peddled down Ravenna road.

Meanwhile back in the library room, the Weeblax soldiers prepared to pursue the biking trio but the Captain help them behind. "It's no use," he said gravely. "Our weapons have no use on them, and we need to all stay together till we know more about this planet. Let's go back to the ship. We have some... modifications to make."

Jelani led the group into the culdesac of Liam (That Brown Jacket Kid) and pulled to a stop in his driveway. "LIAMMMMMMMMM YOU SCRUB." He shouted. "WHERE ARE YOU?" "I'm in here!" The voice came from a trashcan parked in the street. "Liam, what the heck are you doing in that garbage bin?" He popped his head out and crawled out, carrying an armful of trash. "Stuff for this fanfiction!" He showed all the garbage to Riley who took a picture. "What are you guys doing here?"

Jelani explained the dilemma to Liam who listened intently, fascinated by Jelani's story of luck and courage. "Why are you here though?" He asked at the end. "We need help," David told him. "We need you to summon the Saltine Squad." "Well," Liam spoke. "When the squad's true power went into hibernation after the hat throwing of DC, it was decided to summon the squad only in a time of true danger. This sounds like the moment." He raced throught his house into his room, searching the mess for the special hat. "Aha!" He shouted as he held the white Twinsburg hat high in the air. He blew the dust off the bill to reveal the sharpied Saltine Squad official emblem. He dashed back outside to Jelani. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

Jelani nodded.

Liam raised the hat into the air, waving it and screamed, "SALTINE SQUAD ASSEMBLEEEEEEEE!"

 **Yeah, I know. I just couldn't help myself from adding us. God I hate writing these on my phone.**


	4. Carnage

**WARNING!: This chapter contains violent and just plain weird content. Reader Descrescion is advised.**

Aboard the Weeblax head ship, the Captain as well as his men sat across a table from the head Weeblax scientists. "I don't understand," Scientist 1 said. "You went down with the weapons... what is wrong?" "The weapons," spoke the Captain levelly. "They do not fire." The scientists stood aghast. "They don't fire? These weapons were made with a zero percent chance of misfire! You had to have d-" The captain fired into the table and the atoms on the table split apart and broke apart.

"They do not fire, down there."

The scientists were quite annoyed as they had really liked that table, but they held their tongues as they were not the ones with the guns. "We will do some research." Scientist 1 said, staring at the Captain coldly. They stalked off to their computers, "Grab the CO." Scientist 1 said to Scientist 2 who nodded and walked away.

"So," Scientist 1 said to the Co. "It appears that Earth's atmosphere completely dulls the effect of our weapons. Have you pulled the information on Earth warfare?" He nodded. "These humans are really, really odd. They use weapons powered by an explosive powder." "Explosive?" Scientist 2 asked. "What in the word do they fire?" "Here's where it gets even weirder, they fire off projectiles made of minerals found in their planets." The Scientists shook their heads. "Yep. I see why we're getting rid of these idiots. Shooting their own planet off to kill people." Scientist 2 said, shaking her head. "Fortunately!" The CO shared. "There is an information site they use called Google that gives us blueprints for their weapons." He passed the blueprints over to the Scientists who viewed them over. "We have much, more harder materials than these projectiles. We'll make some modifications." They thanked the CO and left the room with the blueprints.

"Sir." Scientist 3 poked his head into the room. "We have fixed your weapons to accommodate Earth's atmosphere." He led the Captain and his men down the hallway to the laboratory where the other two Scientists were waiting, each holding weapons. "Here are the new weapons," Scientist 1 spoke to the Captain and Scientist 2 handed him the weapon. They motioned to the firing range. The Captain readied his weapon and aimed at the target. He pulled the trigger and dropped the weapon as it jerked in his hand. "What the hell is wrong with that thing?" He asked grabbing Scientist three by his coat. "Hold on!" Yelled the other two and explained the idea of Earth type weapons. "Wow, these humans are idiots." The Captain remarked and they all shook their heads. "Let's go test these out men."

The Captain and his troupe of men beamed down back in a more southern area of America... across from a small Gas Station. They all trudged across the cracked street and into the store, startling the store owner. "Ah! Well h-ello welcome t-" The Captain turned his weapon on the man and fired into him. His body jerked as the bullets tore through his body and left his blood painting the cigarette boxes on the wall behind him. They navigated the store and viewed the items on the walls. One of the men lifted a bag titled Doritos off the wall and opened it. He glanced into the bag and took a chip out, and placed it inside his mouth.

Now. To make this clear, the Weeblax do not eat or digest many food items with alot of taste. The sweetest thing they may have ever tasted is probably victory. The Dorito landed in his mouth and spewed it's luscious flavor all over the walls of his mouth. The flavor of the Dorito was orgasmic and he collapsed to the floor, twitching about and he foamed from the beautiful flavor that was the Dorito. "IT'S A TRAP!" Screamed the Captain. and they all turned their weapons on the food items of the store. The terrible carnage that was the next few moments is indescribable. Bullets tore through bags and bottles of food and drink. Fragments of chocolate and other items flew around the room landing on the floor to only be ended with more shots. Faygo and Mt. Dew dripped from the walls, blood in this terrible massacre.

The Weeblax left the destroyed store behind them and returned to their ship.

Next was Jelani.

 **3 spookee 5 me.**


	5. Obama

**Ughhhhhhh school is soon.**

The Saltine Squad and Jelani's group all sat in the driveway and brainstormed.

"We've called the military, but all lines are on hold from reporters and the sort." David explained, putting down his phone. Anyone have other ideas? "Well," Said David (Baevid) Georges. "If as you say, their guns don't work then we're probably safe." "Let's just Google it guys." Tonio Beta said. They all crowded around David as he pulled out his phone and Googled, "How to stay safe from the aliens in orbit around Earth." It directed them to a video of some guy who looked like Shaggy talking about bunkers and the sort. "Well." Said David closing his phone. "Even Google can't help us, all hope is truly lost."

At that moment, his phone rang and he picked it up. "Mhm yes... He's here... Yes a direct encounter... okay sure." He set it down and looked around the room (driveway. room sounds more intense.) "That was the military. They'll be here to pick us up in a few-" A black van pulled up in front of the house and men with guns ushered all of them inside. Liam's mom looked out the window and saw the whole thing. "Be back before lunch! Tell your friends not to come back!"

Back inside the van, the man across from them spoke. "We recorded a touchdown in your area, at your library like your message said so we're pretty sure you're not shitting us. We're bring you to HQ to talk with our superiors and help us take action. If what you said is true and they did fire at you, we need all the information we can get. Is this THE Jelani?" Jelani nodded. "Sup?" The man danced excitedly, "My kids follow your fan page. Me too. Can you please sign this?" He showed him a red sharpie and pointed to his forehead, where Jelani signed his name.

After a long ride, the group got out in front of Ohio's capitol, where the nation's superiors were meeting. "You're lucky," the driver told them. "They all flew out here just so they could get your information." They all nodded still staring at all the men inside, besides Tonio who was trying to convince one of the men to give him a gun. "Look at these all! You have so many extras, c'mon man I can shoot one."

They climbed the steps and Jelani took a seat at the head of the table, the Squad and his group acting as his men and guards. Next in came the President with his men and guards. He took one look at Jelani and headed over, "Are you Jelani Daniels?" He asked. "Indeed I am sir." The President laughed. "No need to call me sir, sir. Will you please sign right here?" While David and Riley spoke to the other men in the room about their encounter, Jelani took turns signing all of their foreheads. "Time to start the meeting!" Called Obama.

Jelani told his story to all of the men who took notes, and whispered to each other when done. "Well," Said Obama. "We will ask them about their motives and try to negotiate peace. We know their weapons don't work in Earth atmosphere most likely, but we had a report of a store being held up and destroyed by what our cameras seemed to show as these life forms. They have changed their weapons and we don't know where they'll strike next. The technology they possess is too advanced for us, and would most likely destroy us if given the chance. But for now we'll give you and your group shelter and protection." "What about that machine you guys have that infuses people with the universe and could possibly make them godlike?" Hyland asked.

The room shifted. "We have no such machine." The military leader spoke nervously. "Um... yeah you do." Hyland spoke. "These things want to destroy Jelani and most likely all of humanity if they destroyed that store. I'd say it's our best bet." "If we did have that technology," Spoke Obama calmly. "We would only use it in a time of true danger." "That makes sense," said Riley. "Shut up Roland," said Jelani. "Do you guys have this tech?" It could really help us out." The room shifted nervously. "Thank you," said the Military leader. "That's all the info we needed. You can go now."

They were ushered out of the room onto the steps where they all sat. The car had left so they walked back to Liam's to collect their bikes and boards. "I said they can't come back!" Liam's mom said as they rode away, Liam being a tryhard and running with them. "Is it true they have that machine?" Jelani asked Hyland. "Yes," He said. "And I know where we can get it."

 **I wish he would sign my forehead.**


	6. Luminarti

**Sorry for the short, run on chapter. Head is feeling a little strange, so I can't write as well. I'll probably go back to sleep after this.**

Hyland led them to a shed, somewhere outside of Twinsburg. The shack read "There are rusty tools in this shed. The door handle is also rusty. The wood is also rusty. Pls don't touch the shed." "Hyland it says we shouldn't touch the shed," said Perrin. "Look the wood's all rusty and stuff." Hyland opened the door and stepped into the dark, where stairs led them downwards. "So what is this place?" Jelani asked Hyland in front of the group. "You'll learn more as you get down here. But you all must promise to never share what you see down here AT ALL." They all nodded and stepped off the stairs into a more better lit room. Two men with weapons and black body armor stood by the doorway, and they noted the Triangle and Eye on the right chestplate. "Ha," Liam whispered to Baevid. "Luminarti confirmed." David responded with airhorn noises and they laughed.

The men stopped the group and checked them over. One pulled out a radio and spoke into it, "It's Hyland and a group... yep... Roger that." He opened the door and nodded to Hyland. "B0zz wants to see you, you know the way." The path to wherever Hyland was leading them was long but kept the group's interest very well. He led them over a darkened sky bridge where they heard machinery and rock below, next through a maze of books and information and finally up the elevator to an executive office. They crossed down the hall to the one at the very one and Hyland knocked. "Enter." A voice spoke from inside. "They wedged open the door and stepped into a very plush office, with photos and the smell of OxiClean all around them. A hooded man sat behind the desk. "Wow Hyland long time no see." Hyland nodded. "And your group? Is that... Jelani Daniels? Wow... what an honor. Will you sign my forehead?" "I would love to," Jelani spoke. "But first, who are you and what is this place?" "Aha! No one made the proper welcome?" The man spoke. He liked to speak really loudly and was giving the group a headache. "First, I'll introduce myself." He said, and took off his hood. The whole group gasped.

"HEY GUYS! BILLY MAYS HERE WITH THE NEW PRODUCT OXICLEAN!" He laughed. "Yep. It's me. Many years ago, when I still filmed OxiClean commercials, I made lots of money... as well as bad rep. People making jokes off of me, sticking me in shitty fanfics like this one. So I decided to get off the grid and start my own business. Well, I mean I use business lightly here guys. I, Billy Mays, faked my death in an accident and started THE ILLUMINATI." Everyone turned and looked at Hyland, "Yeah," He said. "I've got connections." "So what'd you guys come here for?" Billy asked. Jelani responded. "We heard that the Government is hiding a machine that can possibly blend people with the universe and maybe make them godlike. We believe this is our best bet on stopping these aliens above Earth." "Oh yeah I heard they destroyed a store. I'm also getting reports of even more areas being destroyed. You're safe here underground but once you get out and they take your signal, you better be ready. And you want that machine? Sure I can do that, but do you have anything to pay for it?" They all checked their pockets and turned up with roughly $18. Billy shook his head. "Sorry guys." "Hey Jelani, check your backpack." Riley said. "But all I have is Faygo, Roland! What good is that?" Before Riley could scream in exasperation, Billy's head perked up. "Did you say Faygo? What color?" Jelani showed him the red bottle of Faygo, and Billy arced his head to the ceiling and moaned/screamed in joy. "You can have everything. All my men. Good luck." He said chugging the Faygo. "Will you sign my forehead before you go please though?" Jelani signed his head and left the room. "Well Hyland... strange friend ya got there."

The troops were all railed by the time they got outside. When they saw Jelani, they all whispered in excitement among each other. Jelani stood before them and spoke, "Now. Our mission here today is to infiltrate the government weapons base in DC. All of you I'm sure has heard of the aliens attacking the stores with new weapons and it's our goal to get there, find a machine and stop them. The trip, will be dangerous with alien and government threats and you may have a very high chance of death. But hear me. If this plan here succeeds today, your sacrifice will not have been in vain. The world will tell stories, the future will tell stories, and they'll probably be a video of this on YouTube a few minuets after this happens. So let's all go!" The Illuminati soldiers all raced to their planes and Jelani's group and a pilot, as well as the Saltine Squad and a pilot were all directed to a separate plane and given weapons. Tonio screamed in excitement, and they lifted up into the air, spirits high.

That is until they came face to face with a squad of Weeblax fighter ships above the clouds.

 **I have no idea what I'm writing anymore.**


	7. Lots of dead characters

**School sucks booty. Not the good booty either. It's been a while but I'm gonna try to keep updated, I may just finish it up later today depending on the story views.**

The sky was alight as the Illuminati battled with the Weeblax, the citizens of the cities below watched in wonder, recording the whole thing on those god damn phones and would gasp as the clouds parted to see the action. "We have to make it to DC!" shouted Jelani over the battle. "Don't fight just fly!" The Saltine Squad's and Jelani's pilots flew full speed ahead as the Illuminati fought off the Weeblax. "We've got them!" The Illuminati Captain spoke over the intercom, "Just make it to DC we'll protect you!" And then blew up as the Weeblax Captain's ship carved through the Illuminati like a Tonio and a bottle of Faygo.

As they reached DC, the ships took a new barrage from the fortified city below. Missiles and shells fired away at both the Illuminati and the Weeblax, causing dive bombings from above. "Just set us down in a park and get out of here," Jelani told his pilot. and they threw them out at a public park a few blocks from the weapons division. They ran through the darkened streets, the lights of the burning city as their only light. A ship crashed in a street and exploded, the Saltine Squad pilot's body flinging from the craft across the street. They ran even faster.

As they made it near the weapons division, they watched helplessly as the battle raged, fire and lead covering the sky and ground. "We have to help the Illuminati." Jelani said, cocking his pistol and running to the fort. "No, Jelani," David said to him. "We can help them by stopping the Weeblax." Jelani nodded sadly and they ran through the division doorway.

They all readied their guns and slunk down a hallway. They passed by labeled doorways, looking for something that would point to a possible machine they were looking for.

 _FULLY AUTOMATICS, CHEMICAL WARFARE, BOY BANDS, GENETICS, UNSTABLE TESTING_...

"There!" shouted Baevid pointing at _UNSTABLE TESTING_. And they all blew down the heavily locked door. Sirens began raging and they sprinted down a hallway. "In there!"

They stepped into a room, a large array of coils lined the ceiling and two cased booths with buttons greeted them. The light was dark and they could just barely make out _Universe-Fuse-God-Maybe-Maker-O-Matic-3000_. They all turned in a start as footsteps and shouts sounded the hallway, and fast gunshots could be heard silencing the yells. The pace increased and the Saltine Squad loaded their guns. "We'll hold them as well as we can." Liam spoke. "You guys figure this out!" They rushed through a doorway and knelt behind frames and near walls, ready to fire.

The Weeblax Captain stepped over the body of the the Illuminati Lieutenant and waved over the soldier in the houndsuit. "Which way did the Jelani go?" The houndsuit soldier scanned the surroundings and pointed down the _UNSTABLE TESTING_ hallway. The Captain and his men walked to the door.

David and Riley pushed Jelani into the center. "We don't have time, Jelani! I hope this works!" Jelani decided to make an epic pose on the platform, but he was terrified inside. "I feel like I shouldn't really read the warning to you Jelani," Riley told him. "This is some terrifying stuff." Jelani quit the pose. David and Riley flipped open the boxes containing the red buttons with little atoms drawn on them.

"3!" Riley cried.

"2!" David returned.

Jelani took a breath, and then spoke. His one word was resolved and brave.

"One."

A loud crackle of energy and an unknown emotion that terrified the Weeblax commander to his soul shook the room and he blew down the hallway door.

"Fire!" Screamed the Saltine Squad.

"Fire!" The Captain screamed.

To make it short, the Saltine Squad was ripped to shreds. Liam in total took 17 bullets, 5 to the head the rest all over, and that was the least bullets anyone took. In the end they were all very, very dead. They in total managed to kill no Weeblax soldiers and scratched the Captain's armor, making him very unhappy. This is not Disney. This is a cold, realistic story in which the unarmored, untrained teenage boys meet a very cold, realistic death. The Weeblax then marched into the room and shot David and Riley dead. The Captain entered the room, still very unhappy about his armor scratch.

"Where is the Jelani?"

 **Pretty spooky huh? Maybe it worked, maybe he's atom soup, who knows? Go listen to his mixtape "Brotha Docta"! Don't be a broke doosh and please go buy it.**


	8. The End

**Nobody ever reads these anymore but I NEED CLOSURE. So I'm just finishing it up. Here it is. The final chapter.**

Jelani stood alone in a dark black room. He was confused, scared and just plain annoyed by how dark it was. He couldn't see even his hand in front of his face. _"Am I dead?"_ he thought. If this was the afterlife then it sucked. Needs more bitches, Faygo and some damn lights.

Suddenly a voice rang out from behind him. "Hey you! You've been standing there for about 5 minuets now just friggin order." Jelani turned around in a start, behind him lay a food stand and a guy with wings (not the food). The whole thing radiated holy light. "Am I dead?" asked Jelani. "Where am I?" The man was very annoyed by now. "Okay. You're gonna be fucking dead for sure unless you just pick something off the menu! My break was a while ago and they won't let me leave till you buy something!"

He pointed above his head to a menu, "Um, do you have any Faygo?" Jelani asked. "Can you read? We have Coke and we have Pepsi. Just choose, you don't have to pay." "Oh sweet!" Jelani said. "That makes up for the lack of Faygo. I'll take a Coke."

The man pumped his fist in victory. "Great job Jelani. That was the test. No you aren't dead, that machine you used transfered your atoms with the universe and this right here is basically the universe. I just had to test you to see if you were worthy of becoming God. Here's your coke, would you like some fries with that?"

Jelani drank his Coke and checked the clock on the food stand. "Sorry to say no to those fries, but if I'm God now I kind of have to save my planet from getting obliterated." As Jelani finished the Coke, an aura of holy light surrounded him and he could see the area around him. "Where is this though?" "Oh this is the afterlife. My name is Gabriel your personal assistant. You've gotta go save the Universe now and then you're supposed to go create the Universe. I'll be waiting here to serve people when they die. NOW GO, JELANI." Jelani scrunched up his mind and blinked away to the currently seiged Earth. Gabriel sat there.

"This is really boring I'm gonna take my break then."

Forward, in the year of 2015, the Weeblax fleet was in the atmosphere scanning for signs of Jelani. "I'm not getting anything, sir." Scientist 1 told the Captain. "The machine is indicating current use but isn't responding to any attempts of use by us." The Captain silently strutted to the viewing deck of the lab. He had never failed before, and didn't resolve to right now. As he stared out at the stars something caught his attention however. "READY WEAPONS AT ASSIGNED TARGET!" He screamed punching the intercom.

Jelani blinked into the Universe as a perfect form of power. His atoms stretched and grew, burning with the light of the stars he stood alongside with. His afro expanded into the void and he outstretched his arms, feeling the expanse of true planetary power enter his mind and godly spirit. His eyes, burning with the knowledge and sight of the birth of every being in the Universe turned toward the Weeblax ships. His true form took the size of unfathomable size, to much for the mind to possibly develop and thousands of Weeblax instantly died of optical and sensory overload. The Captain glanced away and screamed into his intercom, the sounds of soliders around him thrashing in seizures deafening. "FIRE."

The remaining Weeblax soldiers all fired at the celestial being with all they had. Pure energy discharging into space, enough to destroy an entire solar system. Jelani took the shots and finally, with the sweep of his hand, he summoned a blunt made of the Weeblax universe and blew into it. The puff scattered across the fleet and with screams of both life and death, a new Universe was formed out of the matter and energy of the Weeblax fleet. Jelani surveyed his destruction with sadness but also satisfaction and blinked yet again to the surface of Earth.

The Saltine Squad shot up in the air. A gasp of breath entering their lungs and felt their bodies. No bullet holes, they were alive. David and Riley came running out of the room and they all rejoiced, hugging and yelling. At that moment, Jelani blinked down in front of them and they fell silent. Jelani spoke normally as he usually would, but with a tone of wisdom and justice that only a being of power could possess. "You guys want some Faygo?"

The group sat, the morning and wreckage of the night before covering the Earth. They all finished their Faygo and embraced Jelani, tears in their eyes as they bid him farewell. "We won't forget you, Jelani." Riley spoke. "We'll always live by what you've taught us." Jelani smiled and turned away ready to blink. "I'll be watching over all of you. Quit watching that freaky hentai Tonio by the way. But you will all be blessed by my guidance and protection."

"I won't forget you either, Riley."

 **EPILOGUE:**

Jelani sat proudly, viewing his creation of the Earth. He nodded. "Let's make some sexy bitches."

He produced the steps on Google of "how to create the first human" and performed the steps. He then breathed the holy breath of weed into the man and he came alive, feeling pretty stoned. "Where am I? Who am I?" He spoke to Jelani, sounding out his first words. Jelani smiled, "I have created you in the image of a friend of mine in the future. You are a human being and the first of your kind. This is the Garden of Eden, there's lots of animals here and many fruits you may eat, except for those leaves in the middle. If you fucking touch my cannabis you're gonna turn back to fucking dust do you hear me?" The man nodded, understanding yet still a little confused. "But... who am I?" Jelani smiled at him and mounted his bike.

"Your name is um... Roland."

And he rode away across the land.

 **Hope you guys liked it. I'm drinking Faygo as I write this, go show your friends this wonderful work of literature.**


End file.
